Research
by Spottedmask77
Summary: The captains of the Gotei 13 decide to find out more about Mayuri Kurotsuchi, captain of Squad 12. They make a list a questions, and will go to extreme measures to answer them... Rated T for swearing. No pairings.
1. Prolouge

**I don't own Bleach. Just want you to know that.**

* * *

The Captains of the Gotei 13 (or what remained of the Gotei 13) were well known. Some were heroes,

some not as much, some were plain epic, some plain creepy.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was one of the creepy people.

By creepy, I don't mean obsessive stalker creepy or reading minds creepy. Not even dating a Hollow

creepy.

No, Captain Kurotsuchi was in a class by himself.

It didn't help that no one knew basically anything about him. They knew he won the "Captain most

likely to kill his Squad in under a week" award. They knew he had a wierd hat and a purple scarf. They

knew what he looked like in public. And there was one more thing...hmmm...what was

it...oh yeah!

They knew he was creepy.

So though they knew they might regret the decision, and possibly lose multiple limbs, Soi Fon,

Unohana, Byakuya Kuchiki, Sajin Komamura, Shunsui Kyouraku, Toshirou Histugaya, Kenpachi Zaraki,

and Jyuushiro Ukitake agreed to make a list of questions about Captain Kurotsuchi. They would

research him. They convinced themselves that it was only fair, since Mayuri wouldn't hesitate to dissect

them. The first meeting of the ROMK (Research of Mayuri Kurotsuchi) was scheduled during one of

Captain Yamamoto's naps (he wouldn't like it if he knew what the other captains were doing), and

coincidentally, Mayuri was away, blowing something up in the world of the living or something like that.

The captains met quietly, so quietly no one noticed they were gone...

* * *

**Hmmm. Anyone else get the feeling I'm lying? Please review. I'l try to update soon.**

**As inspiration strikes. ~Spottedmask77 **


	2. Ch 1: The secret didn't last that long

**Hiya, I'm back! Thanks for all the support so far! Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Sigh. I wish I did.**

* * *

"Hey, Kenny, why're you talking about Clowny?"

Kenpachi Zaraki looked surprised as his pink-haired lieutenant jumped down from his shoulder.

"Yachiru! Why the hell are you here? How did you even know about this?!" Kenpachi yelled. Soi Fon swore. "Will you

SHUT UP?!" she hissed. "Somebody could hear us! Don't you remember this is a private meeting?" She glared at

Yachiru. Yachiru ignored it.

"You were really easy to follow, Kenny!" Yachiru said cheerfully. "Always swearing under your breath about

Clowny...

...hey, Kenny, you said a real man always tells somebody what they think of them to their face, so you shouldn't

swear under your breath!"

Shunsui looked amused until Yachiru said, "You were REALLY easy to follow once Mr. Drunk showed up!"

Shunsui made a choking noise. "Mr. Drunk?" Ukitake patted his shoulder and said," Well, you know it's true."

Unohana bent down to the small child. "Did anyone else see Kenpachi's, erm, blunder?"

"Nope!" Yachiru said. The captains breathed a sigh of relief. "But I told some lieutenants, Baldy, Eyelashy, and Ichi

and his friends!" Soi Fon swore again. "And maybe Urahara, Yoruichi, and Kon, a Mod Soul."

There was a frenzy of moment, most rushing forward to teach Yachiru a lesson.

"HEY!"

Yachiru hid behind Kenpachi's shoulder as the terrifying captain of Squad Four marched up and pulled apart the

captains.

"Violence is never, NEVER the answer!"

The other captains recoiled. When Unahana was angry, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

"Yachiru," Unohana said softly. "It's OK. You're not in trouble. It's these other idiots who are."

Yachiru jumped down from Kenny's shoulder into Unohana's arms.

"It's all fine. I just have a few questions," Unohana cooed. "Who were the lieutenants that you told?"

"Ummm...Red Pineapple, Ichi's Girlfriend, Booby, Sixty-Nine, Whacky, Blondie, and Healy." Yachiru said, counting

them off her fingers.

"So you didn't tell Nemu?" Saijin asked skeptically. "Just Renji, Rukia, Rangiku, Shuhei, Nanao, Izuru, and Isane?"

"No, she was in the world of the living with Clowny. I couldn't get her."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Well," said Ukitake. "I think that Kenpachi should ask his questions first."

"Question," Kenpachi corrected. "There's only one thing I want to know about the little weirdo, and we have too

many people to ask more than a couple questions, so I think we should all stick to one."

"I agree," said Hitsugaya.

"'Kay, so here's my question: Is Mayuri gay?" Kenpachi asked.

Eveyone burst out laughing, then realized that Kenpachi was serious. The laughing descended into thougthful

silence.

"So," Hitsugaya finally said. "How are we going to find out?"

* * *

Mayuri Kurotsuchi had just gotten back from an expedition to the human world. He was worn out, and cold. He just

had to blow up things in the middle of winter.

"Are you all right, Mayuri-sama?" Nemu asked.

"No, I'm not!" he snapped. "Right now I have to sneak into the Seireitei without Captain Yamamota asking me what

I was doing. You know how he doesn't approve of my experiments."

"Maybe if you took off the make-up, you could go in without anyone recognizing you," Nemu dared to whisper.

Mayuri started to round on her, then thought better of it.

"You know, you could be right..." he said tentatively. Nemu felt herself glow with pride. She was not known for

being right.

The captain and lieutenant of Squad Twelve exited the main road to go down to a small, isolated stream. Mayuri

took a deep breath, then shoved his face into the water. Nemu almost told him that wasn't the right way to get his

make-up off, but stopped. Better let him think he's right.

Finally, after the seventeenth dunk, all make-up was washed off of Mayuri's face. He stared into the water, looking

at his reflection. It wasn't like he was ugly, he face was free of scars and his blue hair wasn't exactly messy. In

fact, the only weird thing about his face was that he didn't have ears. But Nemu had a solution to that.

"Mayuri-sama, you're going to have to wear this."

Mayuri looked at the hat Nemu was holding.

He did not like what he saw.

"Mayuri-sama. Please. You don't want to go back to the Maggot's Nest, do you?"

There. Nemu had played the jail card. Mayuri grabbed the sombraro, pulled it over where his ears should have

been, and took off his white captain robe. Nemu stuffed it in her pocket. Mayuri briefly wondered how big that

pocket was.

"C'mon," he said irritably to Nemu, stuffing his right hand(the one with the really long nail) into his pocket. They

joined the main road again and walked cautiously into the Rukon district.

They were jeered at the entire time, and Mayuri resisted the urge to grab someone and dissect them in his lab.

Finally, they reached the West Gate to the Seireitei. Jidanbo looked confused when he saw Nemu and this man

with a sombrero.

"Jidanbo!" Nemu called to the giant ape-like thing. "We need to be let in!"

"Of course, Lieutenant Kurotsuchi!"

The gate creaked open. Mayuri and Nemu quickly rushed inside, leaving Jidanbo wondering who Nemu's friend was,

and how long he would live before Captain Kurotsuchi found out about him.

Inside the Seireitei, Mayuri and Nemu were encountering some trouble.

"Nemu! Who's the friend?" one drunkard asked.

"Kurotsuchi's not going to be happy," another warned.

Mayuri again got the dissection urge.

At last, they reached the Squad Twleve barracks. Nemu gave back Mayuri's captain robe, and Mayuri headed

toward his rooms. As he was preparing to get into bed, there was a knock on his door. Mayuri hastily applied his

make-up, and answered the door.

Dammit.

It was Yachiru, Kenpachi's annoying little lieutenant. Mayuri glared at her, which would frighten most people, but

not Kenpachi's brat.

"Hey, Clowny, are you gay?"

Mayuri was temporarily shocked, then regained his senses.

"Goddammit, child NO, NO, NOOO!" he screamed, slamming the door. Unbeknownst to Mayuri, Yachiru had just

collected valuable reseach.

"Kenny, this is Yachiru. Clowny is not gay. Over!" she squeaked into a walkie-talkie that she had just pulled out of

her pocket.

"Hmph. I'll tell the others, once they get back from collecting everyone you told about our little project," Kenpachi

said on the other end of the line.

"Kenny, you have to say 'Over' when you finish your message! Over!" Yachiru explained.

"Damn. Fine. I'll tell the others, once they get back from collecting everyone you told about our little project. Over."

Yachiru skipped all the way back to the Squad Eleven barracks.

* * *

**YAY! Chapter One is done! This took me all day! I hope you guys like it. Please review.**

**As inspiration strikes. ****~spottedmask77**


	3. Ch 2: Explanations

**This is great! I'm on a role! Hey, people, do you have any questions that you would like answered about Captain Kurotsuchi? Because I've already come up with a few, but I need more. PM me if you have any specifications.**

* * *

Ikaku blinked.

He could not believe what he had just heard.

"Is there a problem? Would you like for me to repeat it?" Unohana smiled, a don't-make-me-repeat-myself smile.

Ikaku gulped.

"No, I understand! Completely!" he said. Yumichika broke his gaze away from his mirror long enough to say, "I don't

think that this is beautiful enough for me to participate in. I'll just leave now. You're ruining my complexion."

He started toward the door. Unohana flash-stepped in front of him, smiled and said, "Not so fast."

"W-well...I guess I c-c-could stay..." Yumichika stammered.

"That's wonderful!" Unohana exclaimed. "Now all you have to do is think up a question that you've always wanted

to answer about Captain Kurotsuchi."

"Hmmm..." said Yumichika, deep in thought.

"I know!" exclaimed Ikaku. "This is going to be the best one ever! The question is...is Captain Kurotsuchi gay?"

"Kenpachi already asked that, Ikaku," Unohana explained, still smiling, though in her head she was face-palming.

"Damn!" Ikaku said. "Hey, where is Kenpachi? I think it would have been better for him to break the news to us..."

Seeing the smile on Unohana's face, Ikaku panicked.

"N-not that I prefer him over y-you, Unohana," Ikaku stuttered. "Just b-b-because he's our captain..."

_Damn, she's scary_, Ikaku thought as Unohana's smile widened.

"Kenpachi decided to go to the human world with Shunsui, to break the news to Ichigo and his friends." Unohana

said. In fact, it hadn't been a descision, it had been Unohana ordering him. And not even Kenpachi Zaraki was

stupid, um, I mean brave enough to disagree with Unohana.

In the world of the living, Ichigo Kurosaki was not having a good day. The previous day, when Ichigo, Chad,

Orihime, and Uryu were on an errand for Urahara, Kenpachi's lieutenant had shown up and told them that her

captain had gone on a super-secret meeting, and she would tell them once she found out what it was about. She

also told them to tell Urahara and Yoruichi. Apparentaly, Yachiru discovered what the meeting was about, but didn't

come back to tell them.

Kenpachi did.

"So...you're saying...you're thinking up questions about that freak from Twelve?" Ichigo said. His friends and

him, Urahara, Yoruichi, Kon, and Kenpachi crowded around Urahara's small table. Thankfully, Urahara's assistants

didn't know about it. Kenpachi didn't know if he could have resisted killing the small, annoying, red haired boy.

"That's basically it, genius," Kenpachi said, cleaning out his ear with an amazing device called a Q-tip. "So you all

need to think up questions about him."

"Oh! Oh! I have one!" said Kon, jumping up and down. "It's pure genius! Everyone will be amazed! The question

is...is Captain Kurotsuchi gay?"

Somewhere, in a different world, readers facepalmed.

Kenpachi facepalmed along with the readers. "I already asked that, you stupid Mod Soul," he groaned. "The

answer is no."

"So, who else did Yachiru tell?" Orihime asked.

"My third seat, my fifth seat, and a bunch of lieutenants," Kenpachi said. "I should be angry at her, but she's just

so cute. Real men don't yell at adorable little girls."

Ichigo, Uryu, Chad, and Orihime all sweat-dropped.

All around the Seireitei, certain lieutenants were being told the same thing.

And yes, half of them wanted to know if Kurotsuchi was gay.

* * *

"Nemu, do you ever get the feeling that there is an alternate dimension where we are nothing but an anime or

manga, and people are writing fanfictions about how the other captains are researching me, and Kenpachi's little

brat told Ichigo and his friends, Urahara, Yoruichi, Kon the Mod Soul, and a bunch of lietenants? And do you ever get

the feeling that this fanfiction writer is making a bunch of them ask if I'm gay, making the readers in the alternate

dimension facepalm? Do you ever get that feeling?"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama, I do."

"Good. Then I'm not crazy."

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was in the middle of something, quite literally. He had used a ray he invented to make the giants

from the story "Jack and the Beanstalk" become real. He then promptly killed them, slitted open their stomachs, and

proceded to wade inside the bloody mess to see what was inside.

"Well, I think I've seen enough of this," Mayuri proclaimed. "Come now, Nemu, let's get out."

As Mayuri exited the giants stomach, Akon rushed into the room.

"Sir! There have been reports of blood in the hallway...um...is that blood?"

"No, it's red paint," Mayuri said sarcastically. "Of course it's blood, you idiot! Here, take this to get it cleaned."

Mayuri shoved his once-white lab coat into the boys arms. He looked like he was going to throw up.

"It's not like you haven't seen blood before! Now go get it cleaned!" Mayuri snapped. Akon rushed out the door like

he was on fire. Mayuri looked at the giant (pardon the pun) mess.

"Nemu, you stupid girl, why haven't you got the acid yet?! This isn't going to clean up itself!" Mayuri shouted.

"O-of course Mayuri-sama."

As Nemu shot out the door, Mayuri wondered what the dry cleaners face would look like when Akon showed him the

lab coat.

* * *

_At the dry cleaners_

"Captain Kurotsuchi at it again, huh?" the dry cleaner said, examining the blood-soaked lab coat.

"Yep," Akon said.

* * *

**Please review! Hope this chapter made people laugh!**

**As inspiration strikes. ****~spottedmask77**


	4. Ch 3: A President

**I'm back! Couldn't get on for the last few days, homework and stuff... **

**Yesterday and today my class and I dissected frogs! I kind of gagged at the beginning, and my partber was playing with the tounge. When we cut open the frog, he almost threw up, so I did it. It was kind of fun! Especially since I wasn't grossed out. I was hungry.**

**But NOBODY cares about that! Back to the story!**

* * *

"Order! Order! Will the members of the ROMK please sit down and stop talking?!"

Everyone stopped chattering to see Byakuya Kuchiki raise a gavel he had found in his pocket. Kenpachi glared at

him.

"HEY! Who died and elected YOU as president?!" he shouted angrily.

"Well, I am a royal," Kuchiki said smugly. "And therefore I should be president of the ROMK."

"No way! I am totally the strongest and would beat you babies in a battle anyday!" Kenpachi declared. "I'll be

president!"

"You can't be the president with all those girly bells on your hair!" shouted Soi Fon.

Chaos ensued. Ukitake was immediatly tackled by Kenpachi, and his supposed 'friend' Shunsui took a bottle of sake

out of his pocket and started drinking. Yoruichi kicked Saijin in the face. Uryu and Byakuya, being the girly men they

were, settled for an intense game of patty-cake.

"STOP!" Ichigo screamed. He had somehow gotten to the top of the dogpile, and was looking victorious. Everybody

froze to see what he was up to.

"I should be president, and you know why? Do you?" Ichigo yelled. "Because I feel, that if there was a manga or

anime about us in an alternate dimension, I would be the main character. Not Urahara, not Orihime, not Izuru, ME!

That's why I should be president!"

Byakuya and Kenpachi looked at each other. They nodded.

The two captains jumped on Ichigo.

The fighting resumed.

As Rangiku choked her captain with her giant boobs while mummering that it was nothing personel, Yachiru climbed

to the podium.

"Hey! Stupid adults!" she yelled. As with Ichigo, the brawl stopped. "I think that a very special captain should be

president!"

Kenpachi smiled. If a lieutenant and a captain both wanted someone to be president, there would be no stopping

them! The others, realizing this, started to groan.

"I think that..." Yachiru said dramatically. "The president of the ROMK should be...Unohana!"

Everyone gasped.

Unohana, who had not been touched in the fight out of the others fear of her, smiled.

"O-oh my!" she said happily. "Thank you, Yachiru!"

Unohana waded toward the podium. Everyone cleared a path for her. There was a scraping od chairs as everyone

sat down in a neat row that Unohana could be proud of.

"Well, I never expected this!" she smiled. "But I'll make sure that I live up to your expectations! Now, first things

first: does anyone have any new questions on Captain Kurotsuchi?"

A dozen hands went up.

"May I remind you," Unohana sighed. "That we have already answered 'Is he gay?', and the answer is no.

The hands all went down, except for Urahara's.

"Yes, Urahara?" Unohana asked politely.

"Well..." Urahara drawled. "I know just about nothing about my former Vice-President. I haven't minded. But I've

always wondered: what does Mayuri REALLY look like?"

"That's an excellent question!" Unohana exclaimed. "But that will take a major operation...I think we should start

smaller. I have one: what's his favorite color?"

There were mutters of agreement. Unohana beamed.

"Good! We'll try and answer that, and report back at our next meeting!"

And so the first meeting of the ROMK with its newly elected president was adjourned.

* * *

Mayuri was not a ladies man.

In fact, many ladies avoided him. And he avoided many ladies.

So when Shunsui came running inot his private office telling him that there was a girl that like him, well, Mayuri was

surprised.

But not surprised enough to start cursing at Shunsui.

"Dammit, you fool, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?! Go away!" Mayuri screamed.

"But this is the oppurtunity of your lifetime, er, deathtime! You could get a girlfriend!" Shunsui searched the office

until he found what he was looking for. "Hey, what's this?"

Shunsui picked up a recently developed truth candy. He knew exactly what it was, but didn't want Mayuri to.

"No! Don't take that! It's..."Mayuri gaped as Shunsui popped one into his mouth. "...unstable..."

"Yum, these are good!" Shunsui said, carefully not swallowing any of it. "Here, Kurotsuchi, have one!"

Before Mayuri could protest, Shunsui shoved one in his mouth. Mayuri made the mistake of swallowing and

immediately fell into a trance.

Shunsui spat out the truth candy into the small garbage unit near the desk. "Okay, Mayuri I just have one question:

What is your favorite color?"

"Purple," the entranced Mayuri immediately said.

"Got it," Shunsui said, then ran out of the office as the candy began to wear off.

"Huh? Was that Shunsui?" Mayuri squinted, then shook his head. "My eyes must be playing tricks on me."

The captain of squad twelve continued his work, completely unaware of the events that had taken place just

moments before.

* * *

**THAT took awhile! I hope its worth it. Thanks for all the reviews, and please keep reviewing!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	5. Ch 4: The drunk and more questions

**Sorry I haven't updated, I've been busy...homework...stuff like that...OH! I watched Blazing Saddles. It was awesome.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach**

* * *

Unohana watched Shunsui stagger in. She crossed her fingers, the others hadn't been able to gather any info or

just hadn't done it. That Quincy, Uryu Ishida...Unohana realized he wanted nothing to do with the captain of Squad

Twelve.

She sighed. He still could have done something, no matter how much the mad scientist wanted to kill him. Now she

was going to be remembered as the one who asked the question that no one could answer. She should have stuck

with Urahara's question.

"So, Shunsui...have you gathered anything?" Unohana asked hopefully.

"I gathered some sake..." Shunsui slurred. He was obviously drunk...again.

"No, not sake," Unohana said calmly. "Information on Captain Kurotsuchi."

"Who?"

Unohana face-palmed in her head. _Okay, Unohana, you can do this. Turn on a level seven smile. It should scare the _

_alchohol right out of him._

Unohana took a deep breath, and...smiled.

"HOLY HUECOS MUNDOS!" Shunsui screamed. Others cowered, and Kenpachi wet himself.

"Okay, let me ask again: HAVE YOU GATHERED ANY INFORMATION?" Unohana asked, turning her smile down to a

level four.

"O-oh yeah! I have, Unohana!" Shunsui said nervously. "Please don't kill me!"

Unohana smiled an honest-to-goodness happy smile. She grabbed Shunsui and hugged him.

"Thank you!" she said breathlessly as she released Shunsui. She noticed Nanao staring daggers at her, so she

smiled back. Nanao blanched.

"Kay, what did you find out?" Unohana said excitedly. Many members of the audience were very confused. In fact,

all of them were confused except for Urahara, who was sleeping.

"P-purple is his f-f-favorite color, Unohana!" Shunsui said, looking at Nanao. "Can I get drunk, I mean, can I go back

to my seat now?"

Unohana nodded, and as Shunsui walked past her, she slipped him a bottle of sake. Shunsui looked surprised and

extremely happy.

"Okay, our next order of business..." Unohana cleared her throat. "Any new questions?"

This was met by cricket noises made by Urahara, who had woken up. He stopped when he saw the very calm look

on Unohana's face.

So there was silence. One minute, two minute, three minute, four...

"OH! OH! I just remembered mine!" squealed Orihime. "I have this adorable stuffed bear my brother gave me, and I

was wondering if Captain Kurotsuchi had anything like it!"

"You mean like a comfort object?" Unohana said thoughtfully as Uryu snickered. "What is it, Ishida?"

"Does he have a diary?" Uryu asked, barely controlling himself. "If he does, I think we should steal it."

After that, there were a couple more questions about Mayuri Kurotsuchi.

Rangiku: What type of pajamas does he wear?

Rukia: Does he like bunnies?

Izuru: Does he like _unicorns_?

"Okay, I think that's enough!" Unohana decided. "Thank you for the questions. Those who didn't contribute, please

think up some for tomorrow. Tonight, we answer six questions!"

"Six?" Yoruichi asked. "I might not be a genius at math, but I'm pretty sure that we only had five."

Speaking over Soi Fon's gushing about how there was _nothing_ wrong with her Lady Yoruichi, Unohana said, "Oh,

but you forgot Kisuke's question: What does Kurotsuchi look like under all that make-up?"

There was a hush as people imagined what Mayuri hid under the make-up. Except for Yachiru.

"Oh, I bet he has some really wierd birthmark on his face!" she chirped. "Or some really ugly scars!"

"Never mind that," Unohana said hurriedly. "For tonight, we strike!"

* * *

"Mayri-sama, you must go to bed at some point."

"Quiet, Nemu! I'm working on an unicorn launcher! Kenpachi and his idiots wil never bother me again!" the mad

scientist laughed crazily.

"Mayuri-sama, there's no such thing as..." Nemu trailed off. Mayuri looked up sharply at her.

"No such thing as what, Nemu?" he hissed threateningly.

"...As true peace," Nemu finished, instead of saying _There's no such thing as unicorns_. "You know Izuru would be

bothering you non-stop, knowing that you had unicorns on hand."

"Hmm, you're right. I guess I'll just think about it in the morning," Mayuri yawned.

"So you ARE going to bed?" Nemu asked hopefully.

Mayuri scowled at her. "Yes, you dolt! I've been awake for 168 hours, haven't I?!"

_Nemu Code 526: Keep your distance between you_ and_ your poor, over-worked, sleep-deprived father._

* * *

**That took a really long time, so I hope you enjoy it. I know the Mayuri scene was really short, but I hope I made it up to you with the Nemu Code 526 and the unicorn launcher.**

**Hmmm. A unicorn launcher. I'll have to look into that...**

**Next chapter: Two captains who absolutely despise Mayuri are chosen to break into his room while he sleeps to discover valuable information on him...**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	6. Ch 5: A dangerous mission

**I just realized the previous chapter had basically no cursing. And Yachiru didn't talk at all until the end. I am ****_so _****off. Also, there will be more very deep pockets in this chapter. By the way, the two captains are Byaku and Kenpachi, and I added Yumichika along.**

**Thanks for all the support so far! This chapter might be kind of long...**

* * *

"Why me?"

Those were the words uttered from two captains mouths when they were alerted that they would be performing a

high-risk mission for the good of the ROMK.

"I am _royalty_. I do not do missions. Make your pesky lieutenant do it instead," Byakuya Kuchiki dismissed Unohana

with a wave of his hand. "Or that dratted Yumichika."

"Yumichika IS doing it. But he said he would only do it if you were there," Unohana said, thinking quickly. "He said

you were the most beautiful man he had ever seen besides himself."

"Now I am not doing it even more," Byakuya sniffed. "I would never go anywhere with a narcissist and a gay."

"Have a drink, Kuchiki," Unohana invited. She took a bottle of sake from her pocket, and Byakuya eyed it warily. "I'm

sure we can talk things out over a bottle of alchohol."

Byakuya eyed the bottle warily. "I cannot be convinced as easily as Shunsui."

"DRINK!"

Byakuya downed the first cup in an instant. Unohana smiled. "Good. Would you like more?"

"No, I really don't think that's - GAAAAAH!"

After Byakuya's fifth cup, Unohana talked with him.

"So, do you Kuchiki's have any honor code or something?" she asked.

"Yeah, if we promise something, we can't go back on our word..." he slurred. "More, please."

"Nuh-uh," Unohana said, pulling the sake bottle away from him. "Promise that you'll raid Mayuri's room with

Kenpachi and Yumichika tonight."

"I promise," Byakuya said. Unohana gave him what was left of the sake, then walked toward the Squad Eleven

barracks.

Meanwhile, Kenpachi was facing the most terrible enemy any Shimigami or human could face: paperwork.

"GRRRRRRRR!" he growled. He didn't have a good feeling about today. He had heard Byakuya let out a girly, choked

scream, as if someone was forcing alchohol down his throat, and heard a loud cry from Shunsui, something about

his sake missing. Also, Yachiru was nowhere to be found. And there was paperwork.

PAPERWORK...THE FEARED ENEMY...

"Hey, Kenny!" the pink-haired lieutenant burst into the room, followed by Unohana. Uh-oh. Unohana was always -

ALWAYS - bad news.

"Kenpachi," she nodded politely.

"Dammit, can't you see I'm in the middle of something!" Kenpachi growled. "It's already eight o'clock at night,

Yamamota needs this by tomorrow morning!"

"We'll have Ukitake do it," Unohana said with a wave of her hand. "Listen, you, Byakuya, and Yumichika are going to

raid Mayuri's room tonight."

"Hell with it, woman!" Kenpachi snapped. "Ya know I'll just wake the freak up. And with Byakuya? Hell no!"

"Don't forget Eye-lashy!" Yachiru squealed happily.

"That's right! Who gave you the authority to command someone in MY Squad?!" Kenpachi yelled.

"I'm president of the ROMK," Unohana explained. "And Yachiru here is the president of the Society of Female Soul

Reapers."

"Fine...wait, what does the Society of Female Soul Reapers have to do with...oh, gawd."

"Captain! CAPTAIN! I have be-YOO-tiful news!"

Yumichika came skipping into Kenpachi's office.

"Captain Kenpachi!" he sang. "You, me, and that beautiful man Byakuya (not as beautiful as me, of course) are

raiding the freak's room tonight!"

"I KNOW!" Kenpachi bellowed. "I'M NOT DOING IT!"

"Kenpachi..." Unohana warned.

"C'mon, Kenny, you gotta do it!" Yachiru pleaded. "Pweeeeese? For me?"

Kenpachi sighed. He knew when he was beaten. And the mission would get him out of the battle of paperwork, at

least.

"Fine," he grumbled. "But Yumichika, what's this I hear about you being part of the Society of Female Soul

Reapers...?"

And, later that night, all around the Seireitei, people could hear two captains wailing, "WHY ME?"

* * *

_That night_

"How'd she get you in this, Byakuya?" Kenpachi whispered as they walked to the Squad Twelve barracks.

"Unohana made me promise her I would do this while I was, ah, drunk," Byakuya stammered.

Kenpachi and Yumichika snorted.

Finally, the trio reached Squad Twelve.

"Any idea where the freak is sleeping?" Kenpachi asked.

"Unohana gave me this...it's very ugly," Yumichika made a face as he pulled out a yellowed map.

"Okay, follow me!" Kenpachi declared as he started to walk one way, leaving Yumichika the map.

"Let me see that," Byakuya said. He studied the map for a second, then said, "Kenpachi you're going the complete

wrong way. I think you should follow _me_."

After many, many twists and turns, and quite a few deadly traps, Yumichika, Kenpachi, and Byakuya arrived at

Mayuri's door.

"You first."

"No, you."

"You."

"You."

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"_I'll _go first," Byakuya said exaperatedly after observing the two Squad Eleven members for a few minutes. "You

guys are such pansies."

"Pansies are very pretty..." Yumichika mused as Byakuya opned the door.

Behind the door was a room. There was no Kurotsuchi in the room.

"Damn!" Kenpachi swore as he entered the room.

"I kind of expected this," Yumichika said thoughtfully. "I bet there's a room behind this one where the freak sleeps."

So, the trio started looking for a lever, or a button, or something that would open the secret door. Finally, Kenpachi

knocked over a purple vase and discovered a violet button.

"Hey!" he said. "I found something!" Byakuya and Yumichika hurried over.

"Purple?!" Byakuya sniffed. "That man has no taste."

"I thought it would be an ugly red," Yumichika chimed in. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"Well, whatever. I'm gonna press it!" Kenpachi declared. He raised his huge fist, and pressed down on the button.

_Vrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm_

"Told you so," Yumichika said smugly as the back wall moved back and then to the right.

"Dammit, it's dark in here!" Kenpachi complained as they started to grope their way into the back room. Byakuya's

response: pulled a candlestick holder complete with candlestick out of his pocket. Take out match. Light candle.

...

"DAMMIT, I DID'NT MEAN A CANDLE, I WANT A F*CKING FLASHLIGHT!"

(You can guess who said that.)

"Don't worry, Captain, I have a flashlight," Yumichika assured Kenpachi. He pulled out a bright pink flashlight that

said 'My Little Ponies, Friends Forever!' on it.

...

Kenpachi gave Yumichika a quick lesson of how to be a man. Needless to say, Yumichika didn't say anything until

they entered Mayuri's private bedroom. Byakuya shut up too.

"Well, we're here!" Kenpachi said brightly.

"I'm surprised Kurotsuchi hasn't woken up and killed us all yet," said Byakuya.

"The freak doesn't have ears. He can't hear us," Kenpachi said.

"No, Kurotsuchi can hear a dogwhistle a mile away," said Yumichika. "Maybe he's a heavy sleeper...?"

Three unwelcome heads popped into Mayuri's room. Three bodies attached to the heads followed.

"I excpected more," Byakuya tutted, looking at the cluttered room. "How disappointing."

"Yeah, he really needs to do something with the place," Kenpachi agreed. "Hey! What's this?" He picked up a purple

book. It's cover read: Mayuri's Diary.

"Bingo!" Kenpachi crowed. "Look at this juicy stuff...'No one understands me'...'Eveyone thinks I hate Nemu'...'I cried

myself to sleep'...'Kenpachi was mean to me today. I plan to dissect him.' " Kenpachi blanched. "Let's read this

later."

"Yes, I agree," Byakuya...well, agreed. "Kurotsuchi is on the bed, covered by the blanket."

"Let's save the best for last!" Yumichika said. "I can't wait to see his face!"

"What's this?" Byakuya picked a stuffed animal off the floor, where it had fallen. Stitched onto it's side was 'Mr.

Cuddles'. "A...unicorn."

"Let's take Mr. Cuddles along with us and blame it on Ishida," Kenpachi snickered. "I think the line of hate between

those two is fading."

"Yes. But, who will have the honor of seeing Kurotsuchi's face?" Byakuya asked.

"I think Yumichika should do it," Kenpachi said kindly...or as kindly as Kenpachi can get. "Initiation for becoming a

man."

"This scene is so prettyful!" Yumichika squealed. Kenpachi glared at him. "I mean...thank you. I am a man. I don't

like pink...or unicorns...and I don't say words like prettyful."

"You shall lift the blanket from his legs," Byakuya commanded. "To see if he wears...jammies." Kenpachi snorted.

Yumichika slowly lifted the blanket off...

Rainbows. And unicorns. Apparently, the feared captain of Squad Twelve wore pajamas with rainbows and uicorns

on them.

Kenpachi bust out laughing. Byakuya chortled, which was the equivalent of him laughing his ass off. While they

were distracted with their laughing, Yumichika listed the blanket off Mayuri's face.

"HOLY HUECOS MUNDOS!" Yumichika screamed. "KUROTSUCHI IS SMEXY!"

Byukuya stopped mid-chortle. Kenpachi swiveled his head around. Then they both ran over to Mayuri's bed...

...just in time to see the scientist's golden eyes pop open.

Mayuri screamed.

Byakuya and Kenpachi screamed and hugged each other.

Yumichika screamed while taking a pink frying pan out of his pocket and hitting Mayuri in the face with it.

Mayuri stopped screaming as he was knocked unconscious.

Byakuya and Kenpachi stopped screaming (though they didn't let go of each other).

Yumichika stopped screaming.

"Well," he said smugly. "I feel that was pretty manly."

Kenpachi ignored him, studying Mayuri's face. "Don't know why he hides this. I mean, it's not like he has an ugly

scar running down his face...but he looks like such a girl..."

Byakuya self-consciously adjusted his hair accessories.

"Anyway, let's take a picture!" Kenpachi grinned (it made Yumichika flinch) and took out his camera. There was a

flash.

"Kay, we got it!" Kenpachi confirmed. The trio left, taking the picture, Mayuri's diary, and Mayuri's stuffed unicorn, Mr.

Cuddles.

Mayuri would not remember waking up to find Yumichika, Kenpachi, and Byakuya in his room. He would, however,

upon waking, discover his best friend, Mr. Cuddles, and his diary were missing...

* * *

**That took FOREVER! There is no Mayuri POV thing because this chapter is already SO FRICKING LONG! Please read and review! Thanks for all the support so far!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	7. Ch 6: Reporting Back

**I'm not gonna spoil more of the story...for now...but once I'm done I'm gonna add a few extra chapters that have nothing to do with the plot, like Kenpachi teaching Yumichika how to be a man, and Nemu's Code of Laws. Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

This was the fourth meeting of the ROMK. Everyone was quiet as Unohana took her place at the podium.

"As many of you know, three of our members took place in a very special mission last night," she began. There were

a few raised eyebrows, and Soi Fon whispered something to Yoruichi. "Kenpachi, Byakuya, and Yumichika, could you

come up here please?"

The three men...or the one man and the two girly-men walked up the aisle to Unohana.

"I'm so excited I could pee!" said Rangiku loudly. Histugaya fell down onto the floor in embarrassment. Urahara

laughed.

"May I continue?" Unohana asked politely. "So, these three Shimigami infiltrated Captain Kurotsuchi's room last

night. They found...well, I'll let them tell you themselves."

"I shall go first," Byakuya whispered to Kenpachi and Yumichika. "I will tell them about Mr. Cuddles, you, Kenpachi,

will tell them about his diary and read it to them, Yumichika will show the photo."

"Nice game plan," Kenpachi smiled eagerly.

"Okay!" Byakuya siad, louder. "When we were in Mayuri's room, we found a couple of things. _This_," he said, pulling

out the stuffed unicorn. "Was one of them. Orihime, you're question of 'does he have a comfort object?' is answered

with a yes."

"'Mr. Cuddles?'" Soi Fon snickered. "How manly."

"Yes, quite. Surprisingly, there aren't any nasty traps - " Byakuya was cut off as the unicorn's horn came off it's

head and tried to spear him through the chest. "Never mind."

"OHMYGOSH HE HAS A UNICORN!" Izuru squealed. "I have one just like that, except mine is pink instead of purple!"

"And I kind of doubt you wired your unicorn to kill anybody who steals it," muttered Saijin under his breath.

"Forget the unicorn!" Kenpachi yelled. "I found his DIARY!"

Everyone shut up, and Uryu smiled happily.

"Kay, so here's the first page...'This, so far, is my 17th diary. I plan to record all my feelings in it,'" Kenpachi read.

"'Monday. Today I had to go to work. As usual. And everybody hated me. As usual. It made me sad. I would have

cried, but I modified my eyes so they only cry when I'm alone.' Okay, that's just creepy. More sob stuff...

skipping...skipping..._definetely _skipping...here we go!" Kenpachi cleared his throat. "'Saturday. Today Kenpachi was

mean to me. I plan to dissect him.' Damn, it's _this _one...anyway. 'To cheer myself up, Nemu and I had family game

night. We tried the game of Life, but I ended up setting fire to it. My life, or rather, _death_ sucks, and even in the

game, it sucked. Then we tried Monopoly. That was more fun. Nemu ended up winning, though. She might not be

perfect, and I probably screwed up big-time to create a girl instead of a boy, but she is very good at Monopoly.

Lastly, we played Clue. Since we needed three people, we invited Akon to join us. I ended up winning, and Akon

ended up wetting himself.' Okay, this thing is really long, so people will be able to read it here." Kenpachi finished.

Everyone was silent.

Then Ichigo shouted out, "I didn't know you could read!" Kenpachi scowled at him.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for..." Yumichika said dramtically, pulling the picture out of his pocket

and a fold-up projector out of the other one. "Ta-da!" He put the picture onto the projector.

Nobody moved or made a sound.

Except for Rangiku.

"OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH!" she squealed. "HE IS SO FRICKIN' CUTE! I HAVE TO GO ON SOME SORT OF

DATE WITH HIM!"

...

"Rangiku," Unohana said gently. "Remember his...defective personality."

"Hmm, I guess you're right," Rangiku said. "Oh well, can I have a copy of that picture and carry it around with me?"

"I don't know..." Unohana said.

"Oh, come on," interrupted Hitsugaya, sighing. "You know the picture is better than the real thing."

"Well, when you put it that way..." Unohana said. "Sure. You can have the picture. Just don't moon over it in public,

okay?"

"Okay!" Rangiku said happily.

"Now, our next order of business," Unohana said, turning off the projector and pocketing the photo, unicorn, and

diary. "Any new - "

She was interrupted by a loud crash. She froze midsentence, staring at the people who had just burst in. Everybody

craned their necks to look at the newcomers.

"So!" Aizen said, clapping his hands together. "I heard there was a research group about Mayuri and we want in!"

* * *

Mayuri woke up with a headache.

"NEMU! ASPIRIN!" he bellowed.

His daughter came zooming into his room from her room, which was conviently next door. She gave him the small

pill.

"Damn, I feel like somebody hit me with a frying pan in the middle of the night..." he groaned. "Hey, Nemu..."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama?"

"Where's Mr. Cuddles?"

Nemu looked around. "I-I'm not sure, Mayuri-sama," she stammered.

"And where the hell is my diary?!" Mayuri was freaking out. "Mr. Cuddles and my diary, _gone_...SOMEBODY'S TAKEN

THEM!"

"Mayuri-sama, it's not like you can knock down walls and doors and demand where your unicorn and diary

are..." Nemu said. Mayuri got a crazy look in his eye.

"I'm going to do just that."

* * *

**Yay! Another chapter finished! Sorry, that Mayrui section was short and stupid, but soon he's going toYeah, no new questions, but Aizen, Gin, and Tosen showed up. And Mayuri discovered his precious things are missing...**

**Please read and review!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	8. Ch 7: The hunt for Mayuri's Unicorn

**Hiya, I'm back! Thanks for all the reviews! Actually, one review is from me, I just wanted to see if you could review yourself... and you can! But now I'm trying to find a way to delete it...**

**This chapter involves Aizen, Tosen, and Gin (if you didn't read the previous chapter, you should know this). Also, Mayuri kind of goes on a rampage.**

**Besides this, I'm working on a bonus chapter for this story called Mayuri's Diary. You can read it, but I'm going to keep it on hold till I finish the story. ENJOY!**

* * *

There was silence in the meeting roomof the ROMK. Everyone looked at Aizen, to Tosen, to Gin, then back to Aizen.

Then two things happend.

One, Rangiku rushed toward Gin, and hugged him (aka choked him with her boobs. But it's the thought that

counts).

Two, Momo came bursting in and ran toward Aizen.

"CAPTAIN AIZEN!" she squealed. "YOU CAME BACK!"

"Ummm, Momo..." Aizen gritted his teeth. "How exactly did you know I was here?"

"I used my Aizen tracker!" Momo said happily. Aizen paled. "A...me tracker?!"

"Yep!" Momo said. "So...what's this?"

"The ROMK," Unohana said.

"That doesn't explain anything!" Momo pouted.

"Can't...breath..." Gin finally managed to say. Rangiku released him.

"So sorry, hunny bun!" she said. "Hmmm...for some reason you're not as cute as before..."

"The ROMK is an acronymn," Unohana explained over Rangiku and Gin's conversation. "It stands for the 'Research

Of Mayuri Kurotsuchi'. That's why Aizen is here. I think."

"Right you are!" said Aizen. "I did not come back for you, Momo."

Momo was silent.

"Please release yourself from Aizen's leg," Unohana said.

Saijin had been distracted with some bacon...mmm, bacon...and finally noticed Tosen.

"Kaname..." he growled. "Why did you come back? You of all people know that coming back here is not justice-ful!"

"That word is not justice-ful," was Tosen's reply. "Damn, I just used it...anyway, the only reason we came back was

for this...club."

"If this is a club, I want a pizza night!" said Kenpachi. Yachiru screeched "PIZZA!" from his shoulder.

"PIZZA NIGHT?!" sreamed Aizen. "NOW WE'RE TALKIN'!"

Unohana sighed. "We'll only have a pizza night if I allow it," she said.

"Oh yeah? And why is that?" Aizen snarled. Everybody stepped as far away as they could from Unohana. It took

Tosen awhile, though, he kept running into chairs.

"Because I am president of this organization," Unohana said, smiling. Aizen cringed.

"W-well, I challenge you to a -" Aizen was cut off by Unohana flash-stepping and punching him repeatedly.

"Ow..." Aizen moaned from the floor.

"Okay, for the information of our newcomers, we're asking questions about Captain Kurotsuchi," Unohana

explained. "We have already answered the following questions: Is he gay, that's a no, what's his favorite color, it's

purple, if he likes unicorns, yes, if he likes bunnies, he enjoys them as his test subjects, (Rukia sniffled at this) does

he have a diary, yes, does he have a comfort object, another yes, and what he looks like."

...

"That was beautiful," Izuru sniffled. He started clapping until Soi Fon knocked him unconscious.

"Really? You found out what Mayuri looks like?" Aizen said skeptically. Unohana stepped on his...soft area...and

grinded it with her foot. Aizen shrieked in pain.

"Gin, you can come see the picture," Unohana said, smiling all the while torturing Aizen. Momo looked shocked.

"HEY! What about me?!" Tosen asked indignantly. There was a silence.

"...you're blind, Kaname," Ukitake said gently.

"Oh. Right."

Gin grabbed the picture. "HOLY SEIREITEI HE'S SMEXY!"

Another silence.

"Gin, Aizen, Tosen, while in the Soul Society, you will say 'Holy Huecos Mundos', not 'Holy Seireitei'," Unohana said,

kicking Gin to the ground and stepping on _his_ soft area.

"Yes, Unohana," Gin and Aizen said in small voices as she stepped off of them. Tosen paled and said, "Okay."

"Now let me, I mean, may I please see what Mayuri looks like, Unohana?" Aizen asked. Unohana nodded, took the

picture form Gin, and handed it to Aizen.

"HOLY SEIREI - I, mean, HUECOS MUNDOS, KUROTSUCHI _IS _SMEXY!" Aizen shrieked.

"Okay, to our next order of business," Unohana said, raising her gavel (which she had, erm, _borrowed, _form Byakua).

"Any new questions?"

"Yes, Unohana, I have one," Hitsugaya said, looking shaken from Aizen's apperance and his sister's reaction. "I

would like to know more about Kurotsuchi's past. How he grew up in the Seireitei. "

"Thank you, Hitsugaya, for the most intelligent question yet," Unohana said. "Okay, now we need to go over safety

rules. If Yamamoto or Mayuri should ever, say, break dowm/blow up one of our walls, our cover story is we are

talking about baking. "

"No way!" Kenpachi yelled. "Damn, that's the stupidest -"

Suddenly, a figure kicked down one of their walls.

"OKAY!" Mayuri yelled. "WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MY UNICORN?!"

* * *

Mayrui was pissed. Really, really pissed. _Nobody_ took Mr. Cuddles and got away with it.

He was kind of surprised to knock down a sound proof wall and find basically all the captains in there.

"You have a unicorn?" Unohana asked from the podium she stood at.

"No, I don't," Mayuri seethed. "That's what I call my weapon of mass destruction. And it IS a weapon of mass

destruction, besides the fact that it it purple, is the shape of a unicorn, and may or may not have 'Mr. Cuddles'

stitched onto it's side."

"Umm...why would we take your unicorn?" said Kenpachi. "This is a talk-about-baking club, after all. We call it TAB."

"I hate acronynms," said Mayuri irritably. "Why are Tosen, Aizen, and Gin here? I thought we were supposed to

hate them."

"I am insulted!" Aizen said. "We came here to talk about baking, of course."

"Really..." Mayuri said. "I didn't know you baked, Aizen."

"Best red-velvet cupcakes around," Aizen said proudly, amazing eveyone by pulling (le gasp!) a batch of red-velvet

cupcakes out of his pocket. "I bake them while singing 'Kumbaya'."

Mayuri glared at everyone. "Fine. I deem you all innocent. Nemu! You should probably return the machine gun!"

Everyone paled. "Machine...gun?" Unohana asked. Mayuri flinched.

"Mmm-hmm. Urahara's brats let me borrow it," Mayuri grinned evilly.

Unohana glared at Urahara. He yelped.

"I wasn't informed of this! If I had known -"

He was cut short by a line of bullets that passed right over his head. Mayuri whipped around and narrowed his eyes

at his daughter, who muttered an apologetic, "Oops."

"Well?! Come ON, Nemu! We still have to burn down Squad Eleven's barracks!" Mayrui snapped. As the scientist

left, Kenpachi jumped up and said, "WHAT?!"

"Don't worry, Kenpachi," Unohana soothed. "I'm sure somebody will stop Captain Kurotsuchi..."

* * *

_Later that day_

_BOOOOOOOM!_

Yamamoto was jolted awake.

"What was THAT?!" he yelled.

"Sir!" one of his officers said as he ran in. "There's been an incident!"

"What type of incident?!" Yamamoto asked through his clenched teeth.

"Ermmmmmm..." the officer said. "Well...Captain Kurotsuchi blew up Squad Eleven's baracks."

"WHAT?!" Yamamoto roared.

In Squad Twelves barracks, Mayuri tilted his head.

"What is it, Mayrui-sama?" Nemu asked worriedly.

"What? Oh...it's nothing," Mayuri waved his hand absent-mindedly. "Just...I could have sworn I heard Yamamoto

scream the word 'What', and I thought maybe he heard about what happend to Squad Eleven."

"Well, Mayuri-sama...you kind of did flatten it."

"Well, I don't care. GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY SLUGS!" he shrieked at his Squad members, who had stopped to

listen to his conversation.

Nemu sighed. There was no getting through to her father. And she _did _have fun destroying Squad Eleven barracks...

* * *

**It's done! Please review! Thank goodness for Hitsugaya, the only intelligent captain of them all!**

**There might be spoilers in the next few chapters...and it might be slightly less funny. The thing that they find out on Mayuri's backstory is _probably _not true...if it was, I would freak out. At least, the stuff BEFORE he goes to the Maggot's Nest as a teenager isn't true. I'm sorry if I upset you with the upcoming chapters, thinking about them makes me tear up. It's just so sad...**

**And on that happy note, I'm out.**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	9. Ch 8: Annoyance, Anger, and Depression

**I'm back...obviously...I skipped like 100 episodes in Bleach to get to the past arc, and I'm on the fifth episode of that...anyway...**

**Many thanks to **samara28**, **Crazy Jae**, and** picaso **for reviewing my story so far! I love your support, guys/girls! I DO NOT own Bleach OR the song Asterisk. And as far as I know, the band is not from the Seireitei. ****Here's chapter 8. Enjoy!**

* * *

"LISTEN UP!"

Everyone turned to look at Unohana. She was really, really pissed. More pissed than Mayuri was when he found out

his unicorn was missing. More pissed than Byakuya was when he found out Yumichika had stolen his hair pins.

"Okay, I get it that one of our walls was knocked down, and everybody is frantic, but really, PULL YOURSELF

TOGETHER! What are you, kids?!" Unohana seethed.

Histugaya coughed nervously. Yachiru bounced up and down on Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Now, we need to find a way to have Mayuri tell us about his childhood," Unohana said, much more calmly. "Does

anyone have ideas on how we can get him to tell us?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" Orihime squealed. "We could hypnotize him! Like, tick tick tick _you are getting sleepy...very, very _

_sleepy..."_

"I don't think that will work, Orihime," Unohana said carefully, now fully regaing her composure. "I don't know if we

can hypnotize him."

Orihime's shoulder's slumped in disappointment.

"I have an idea," said Tosen. "We could build a dream chair. Somehow, we could put Kurotsuchi in it, and we could

somehow get him to remember the specific events of his childhood..." he trailed off.

"What?" Unohana asked.

"Nothing. It's a stupid idea. I can hear you rolling your eyes," Tosen mourned.

"No, I like this idea!" Unohana objected. "Please go on."

"I don't know..."

"GO. ON."

"Right!" Tosen yelped. "So, maybe Urahara could make it? Please?"

"Wonderful!" said Unohana, clapping her hands together. "You'll get right on this, right Kisuke? Kisuke?"

...

"KISUKE!" Unohana yelled angrily at the until-recently sleeping Urahara.

"Right!" Urahara said. "I'll start immediately! Yes, sir! I mean, ma'am!"

"Good," Unohana said satisfactorily. "We'll meet again in Karakura Town when you're done."

"WHAT?!" Ichigo said. "You can't just meet in my hometown!"

"We can, and we will," Unohana said, smiling. Ichigo cringed. "O-of course, Unohana."

"WONDERFUL!" Unohana exclaimed. "Now that we've gotten certified permission, we can break up the meeting.

Think up more questions, everyone!"

As Shunsui and Ukitake left the building, Saijin ran up to join them. Not that he had to run very fast; Shusui was

drunk (again...) and Ukitake was attacked by a coughing fit.

"Hey!" Saijin barked. (**Sorry, bad pun.**)

"Yeah...?" Shusui said, swaying a little.

"Why were your lietenants invited to this," Saijin growled (**Sorry again. I just couldn't resist.**), "and mine _wasn't_?!"

Shusui shrugged.

"Um, I think you should talk to Unohana about that..." Ukitake gulped. "I mean, we can't do anything about it."

"Yes, but you're so much easier to beat up."

* * *

_A few minutes later_

Unohana walked out of the building humming her favorite song in the world: Asterisk. She wasn't sure who came up

with the song, but she had heard that the band was actually from the Seireitei.

"Miageta yozora no hoshitachi no hikari..." Unohana sang, then trailed off as she opened her eyes and saw Saijin

beating the sh!t out of the Captains of Squad Eight and Thirteen.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Unohana shrieked. Kaijin looked up.

"Damn..." he muttered. "I thought I would smell anyone who came near here. Must be blood clogging up my nose."

"What was that?" Unohana said threatingly.

"Nothing!" yelped Saijin. (**And another pun. I seriously did not mean for this one to happen**) "This isn't...what

it...looks like..."

"Saijin," Unohana growled. "Why do I have the feeling that you beat up Ukitake and Shunsui just because they are

weaker than me and you were ticked that I forgot to invite Iba here after Yachiru told a bunch of people about this?

And why do I feel that when you yelped, that was the THIRD bad pun you've done today?"

_She's a frickin' mind reader, _Saijin thought as he scratched his furry head. "Um...I don't know why you think that,

Unohana."

She sighed. "Listen, Saijin, I'm fine with you beating Ukitake and Shunsui to a bloody pulp. But THREE bad puns in

one day...that's unforgivable."

"I'm sorry, Unohana!" Saijin blubbered. "I didn't mean to! Honestly!"

"Well, I suppose this could go unpunished..." Unohana said slowly, and Saijin visibly brightened. "But you would

have to be the one to forcibly shove Kurotsuchi in the chair once Kisuke's done with it..."

"Done!" Saijin said immediately. "Thank you, Unohana! Thank you!"

"You're welcome," said Unohana. "Now, we're going to need a couple medical teams for Shunsui _alone_..."

* * *

"Nemu! I can't find him!"

"Mayuri-sama, I'm sorry about Mr. Cuddles, but you've been searching for the entire day..." Nemu tried to explain to

her heartbroken father.

"Look! I'm crying! My make-up is running!" the scientist wailed.

Nemu surveyed the situation. She had run into the Squad Eleven bathroom when she heard a loud splash, just to

see her father crying. He had apparently thrown a bomb into one of the toilets. Nemu was quick to get the bomb

(nothing but the bomb was in the toilet, thankfully) and deactivate it. She then tried to calm down Mayuri.

"Nemu, you don't understand!" Mayuri sobbed. "Mr. Cuddles was the only thing I have left from my family! He keeps

away the bad memories!"

"Mayuri-sama, it's okay..." Nemu pulled her father off the ground. Mayuri had always been skin and bones, so Nemu

picked him up easily.

"Come on," Nemu said urgently. "We should get out before someone - "

The door opened, and in stepped...Kenpachi!

Mayuri blinked. Kenpachi looked at the scientist being supported by his daughter, and burst out laughing.

Mayuri began reaching in his pocket to bring out who-knows-what-horrors, when Nemu stopped him.

"Can you stand on your own?" she asked calmly. Mayuri nodded. Nemu stepped away from her father.

She proceded to jump up and kick Kenpchi's head. Hard.

The famed Captain of Squad Eleven fell to the bathroom floor with a thud.

"Did that make you feel better, Mayuri-sama?"

"A little."

And the two Kurotsuchis walked back to the Squad Twelve barracks.

* * *

**Yeah, I'm done! Poor Mayuri...and Shunsui and Ukitake...**

**I hope you enjoyed this. The meeting part was really short, so I added Saijin mauling Ukitake and Shunsui to make it longer. And funnier. Just to clarify a few things: the lyrics to A****sterisk Unohana was singing were actual lyrics. I looked it up. I copied and pasted. Again I DO NOT own that song (but I wish I did...). **

**Please review! I really appreciate it! And I will try to update soon!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	10. Ch 9: Mayuri is so damn heavy

**Hi! Chapter Nine is here! Again, I must thank the reviewers for this fanfic,** samara28**,**AFlashofSilver**, **and RedRosa1**.**** As our favorite captain of Squad Twelve would say, I shall not discect you! (BTW, there will probably more reviewers in the future, this is currently who reviewed for chapter 8)**

**But seriously, thanks for the support! This chapter is preparing for Mayuri's memories. So, await the next chapter! I will try to update soon!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"There! Finished!" Kisuke Urahara said triumphantly.

His assistant Tessai rolled out from under the dream chair they were currently building. "We are quite close, sir, but

not there yet," he explained.

"What?" Urahara asked in his usual airy manner. "I was talking about my sandwich! Did you see that thing? It was

huge! Almost as big as my hat!"

Jinta sniffed, walking in. "Yeah, well while you're eating sandwiches, the rest of us are slaving away!"

This was only parly true. Urahara might have been not doing anything but eating sandwiches, but Jinta was being

his usual lazy ass self, and making Ururu do all his work.

"Mr. Urahara, we are doing perfectly fine," said Ururu, walking into the room and almost collapsing under the weight

of two extremely heavy packages she was carrying. "Jinta's making everything up."

"SHUT UP!" Jinta yelled, knocking Ururu to the floor and then stepping on her head. Luckily for Ururu, Jinta was

knocked out by a large package being thrown through the window, making the window shatter and and knocking

him out.

"What the HELL was that?!" Urahara yelped. He bent down and checked the gift tag that came wih it.

_From the Kurotsuchis. Thanks for letting us borrow it! -Nemu_

"This is from Mayu-chan?" Urahara groaned. "Oh, yeah...his daughter kind of almost murdered someone yesterday."

He glared at his assistants. "Which one of you gave this to Nemu?"

Jinta pointed at Ururu.

"Jinta! I'm disappointed in you!" Urahara scolded. "You know better than to hand off Ururu's gun to complete

strangers!"

"Well, Nemu isn't a complete stranger," Jinta said, cleaning his ear. "And she said she would call in her psychopath

dad if I didn't give it to her."

"Jinta has a crush on Nemu," Ururu said from the floor.

"SHUT UP!" Jinta yelled, pulling her hair.

Tessai cleared his throat. "It's done."

"Great!" Urahara said, forgetting about Jinta. "Let's get Unohana and company here!"

"Um...how are we going to do that?" Jinta said snootily.

"Um..."

* * *

_In the Seireitei_

"Ichigo, did you and your friends really come here just to tell us that Urahara's done?" Unohana said with a warm,

buttery smile.

"Yeah, so now we need to go," Ichigo panted and started to turn around.

"Wait!" Unohana called. "Where will we stay in your town?"

"Whaddya mean, WHERE WILL YOU STAY?!" Ichigo yelped.

"Well, Captain Kurotsuchi's memories will take awhile to watch," Unohana explained. "At least two days. Where will

we stay during that time?"

"Oh no, you are not going to stay..." Ichigo said angrily, but Orihime interrupted him.

"Well, Rukia will stay where she was when she first came!" she smiled. "And the rest can spend the night at my

house!"

"Umm, do you think that's safe?" Uryu questioned.

"Hmm, you're right.." Orihime said thoughtfully. "We'll probably get really sick from crowding, so I'll just have to

crash at your place, Uryu!"

"No! That's not what I meant..." Uryu trailed off, pink staining his cheeks.

"We'll come immediately," Unohana informed the group.

Chad and Uryu dragged an angry Ichigo away from the feared captain of Squad Four.

* * *

_Back in Karakura Town_

"Dammit, Uryu! Why'd you and Chad have to drag me off?! Now the f*ckin' Captain of Squad Four is inviting half the

f*ckin' Seireitei to stay at Orihime's house!" Ichigo yelled.

"First off, it's not half the Seireitei. It's only the ROMK club," Uryu informed him. "Second, I'm not any happier than

you are."

"Why shouldn't you be?" Kon asked. "Orihime and her magical pillows of loveliness are staying at your house!"

"Pillows...of loveliness?" Uryu asked, stammering.

"You know!" Kon said. "Her soft clouds? The valley in which you may snuggle your head in?"

Uryu shook his head, though realization was starting to creep onto Ichigo.

"You idiot!" Kon yelled. "I'm talking about Orihime's wonderful chest!"

Poor, stupid, dense Uryu finally realized what Kon was talking about.

"YOU PERVERT!" he yelled, crushing Kon with h is foot. "I'm going to give you a make-over so bad you won't know

what hit you!"

"NOOOOO!" Kon screamed, struggling to get out from Uryu's foot. "The last time you gave me one...please, just no!

It took weeks to remove the dress and wig, and I had to go through the washer five times to get the lipstick off!"

"Serves you right," Ichigo shrugged.

Suddenly, there was a knocking at Ichigo's door.

"I'LL GET IT!" Orihime (who had been upstairs in Ichigo's room while Ichigo, Kon, and Uryu had been arguing) raced

down the stairs and to the doorway.

She opened the door.

"Hey," Kenpachi leered from the doorway.

Ichigo screamed.

"See, Kenpachi?" Yumichika riggled his way past the large man to stand in front of him. _"That_ was a top-notch girl

scream. I don't do that."

"Saying that was a girl scream was an insult to girls," Kenpachi laughed.

"Hey!" Ichigo protested. "What are you guys even doing here?"

Unohana pushed past Kenpachi to talk to Ichigo. "We had some trouble finding Orihime's house," she said. "Maybe

she could help us find it...?"

"Of course!" Orihime chirped. "Follow me!"

She pushed her way throught the door, and soon there were no more Shinigami at Ichigo's house.

Well, sort of.

"Kay, I'm bringing my stuff to the closet," Rukia said, starting up the stairs.

"Ichigo.." Unohana said. "I need to go to Urahara's. Could you show me the way?"

"You know where Urahara's shop is," Ichigo said suspiciously.

"Yes, but I need someone to help me carry everyone's gigai."

"Gigai!" Ichigo jumped. "But that makes it sound like you're staying for at least a couple of days..."

Unohana smiled.

"HOLY HUECOS MUNDOS!" Ichigo yelped. "You are staying..."

"So you help?" Unohana asked politely.

...

"Of course, Unohana," Ichigo muttered.

* * *

_Back in the Seireitei_

"Nemu! Where are you, you stupid girl?!" Captain Kurotsuchi yelled. He was under he impression that Nemu was

not knocked out and tied up in the next room, and thought she was just being lazy. "Nemu!"

THUNK

Captain Kurotsuchi fell to the floor. Saijin looked at Yumichika's pink frying pan.

"I've got to get one these for myself!"

And so the giant wolf captain hoisted the smaller, skinnier, captain over his shoulder.

And there was no doubt that the smaller, skinnier captain most likely weighed more than the giant wolf captain.

* * *

_Back back in Karakura Town_

"Saijin should be here any minute," said Tosen, checking his watch.

...

"Kaname...why do you have a watch?" Gin asked.

"To check the time, of course!" Tosen said.

"Kaname...you're blind."

"Shit."

The entire ROMK club (besides Saijin) was in Urahara's shop. Tessai, Ururu, and Jinta had been sent on some

errands so there weren't any awkward interruptions.

Suddenly, Saijin kicked open the door, panting heavily.

"I'M HERE!" he bellowed. He then promptly dropped the unconsciuos scientist he was carrying on the floor.

"Yay!" Rangiku squealed, choking Gin and making Hitsugaya glare at the two of them. "We can find out about his

past now!"

"Now we just need to put him in the chair," Ichigo said.

"I'm not going to do that!" Saijin backed away.

"Oh, come on!" Kenpachi complained. "He can't be that heavy. He's all skin and bones! And yesterday, I saw his

daughter carrying him."

"How did you see her carrying Captain Kurotsuchi?" Momo asked shyly, clinging to Aizen's leg (Aizen was currently

trying to get a crowbar from Urahara, but not succeeding. Something about trying to take over the universe).

"With my eyes," Kenpachi said, rolling said body parts.

"No, I mean, you didn't go out of your way to see Nemu carrying him, did you?" Momo pressed (Aizen was now

begging Urahara for the crowbar. On a side not, Gin's face was becoming the shade of Mayuri's hair, as Rangiku

was suffocating him with her boobs).

"Well..." Kenpachi said, embarrassed. "I walked in on the freak crying in one of the Squad Eleven bathrooms, and

his daughter kind of...kicked me to the ground."

"Must have taken a billion kicks to take down Kenny!" Yachiru said from the captain's shoulder.

"No, it only took...one," Kenpachi admitted. "She kind of pwned me."

Yoruichi laughed, and Soi Fon joined in. Soon everyone (except for Aizen, Urahara, and Gin, cause Urahara and

Aizen were arguing, and Gin wasn't getting any circulation) was laughing.

"But anyway," Unohana said, wiping tears from her eyes. "We've got to get him that chair. Go on, Kenpachi."

Kenpachi approached the scientist from where he lay on the floor. He grabbed Mayuri's torso and _tried _to pick up the

skinny man.

"Dammit!" Kenpachi grunted. "What does this guy eat?"

"Remember, this is Captain Kurotsuchi," Unohana reminded them. "He does experiment on everything, and that

includes himself."

And so, the members of the ROMK (except for Saijin, who point blank refused to even touch Mayuri again) tried, and

failed to lift up the tall, skinny man. It was a miracle that the captain of Squad Twelve didn't wake up as time after

time he was dropped on Urahara's hard, wooden floor again and again. Not that it would have mattered, Yumichika

was ready with his Forget-Me-Frying-Pan.

In fact, the only one who succeeded was (le gasp!) Tosen. Sadly, it wasn't Mayuri he picked up. It was Gin, who had

been recently found passed out in Rangiku's arms, and had to be given CPR (once Tosen put him down).

Finally, the captains came up with a plan: Kenpachi, Shunsui, Ichigo, and Byakuya would each pick up a limb of

Captain Kurotsuchi's, and they would somehow put him in the chair, where Urahara stood ready to strap him up.

Immediately, the non-drunks rushed to Mayuri's legs and right arm. Poor Shunsui was left with the left arm, which, if

you didn't know, could retract for who-knows-how-long.

Finally, Mayuri was safely strapped into the memory machine where he could cause no damage...or less damge than

usual, anyway.

Urahara placed a helmet attached to the machine on Kurotsuchi's head. The ROMK seated themselves so everyone

could see the giant screen near the chair. That meant Kenpachi was in the back, which he was not happy about.

Urahara twisted a knob...

And Mayuri's past began.

* * *

**I was planning on making Mayuri's memories part of this, but the chapter was already so damn long and Mayuri's memories will take up two chapters, at least. This chapter is my debut to _Tangled _and _Megamind. _P****lease review!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	11. Ch 10: Mayuri's Past (Part One)

**Hello hello hello! This chapter is going to be Part One and Part Two, just to warn you. There might even be a Part Three. Mayuri's past is LOOOOONG...**

**I'm sorry if this depresses you. Chapter 14-15 will be much funnier, I swear!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"This is my past."

Everyone jumped as they heard Mayuri's voice.

"Sorry!" Urahara smiled sheepishly. "Forgot I installed the narrator."

"So we'll have to listen to the freak's voice the entire time?" Kenpachi asked.

"Yep."

The ROMK club groaned.

"But the video will probably make much more sense, especially when I sell it as home entertainment!" Urahara said.

"Um..." Unohana said, at a loss for words.

"Quiet!" Kon said. "The movie is starting!"

* * *

"This is my past."

A tiny, dirty house appeared on the screen. It zoomed in.

"This is...WAS my house," Mayuri's voice said. "I lived here with my parents and little sister. I didn't wear any make-

up then...that would have gotten me even more abused than I already was, and besides, we couldn't afford it."

"Yes, I did say abused. But not by my family. They were very loving."

The screen showed a young boy with blue hair walking out of the house. Following was a little girl with short purple

hair .

"Mayuri!" she said. Everyone in the room jumped; this adorable little boy was the crazy scientist they all knew and

hated? In fact, the only calm person was Unohana. But she wasn't quite as serene as she seemed.

_No, _she thought, panicky. _It can't be._

"Mayuri!"

"What?" the boy...young Mayuri Kurotsuhi asked kindly. "Is something wrong, Usagi?"

"Can I come with you to the market?" the girl blurted out. "Pleeeeeease?"

Young Mayuri flinched. "No, Usagi. I don't want anything to happen to you." He kissed her head. "The market is

dangerous."

"It can't be _that _dangerous!" Usagi declared. "I mean, you don't come back covered in blood, and you're...well, no

offense, Mayu, but you're king of weak. And scrawny."

"Am not!" Young Mayuri protested. He playfully pushed his sister and smiled. He conitnued walking away from the

house. "But seriously, don't come to the market!"

"Awwwww..." Usagi said, but went back inside. Mayuri sighed when the door closed.

"My sister was wrong. I did come home covered in blood. I had the decency to wash off in the river before seeing

her, though. I didn't want her to scare her," Mayuri's voice said.

Young Mayuri walked and walked until he reached the market.

_Sout Rukon District, _Rukia thought, extremely surprised. _District 78. That's where Renji and I come from!_

"District 78," Mayuri's voice said bitterly. "This is where I lived."

Young Mayuri stopped walking and hid behind a building as a group of boys who looked a little older than him

passed by. He darted in front of the shack he was hiding behind, just to be grabbed by his blue hair by one of the

boys that had passed by.

"Look, guys!" the boy sneered. "It's Kurotsuchi!"

The others turned around and Young Mayuri whimpered.

"Please don't hurt me!" he pleaded.

The largest boy laughed. "Let's see," he mused. "I could bloody you up like usual..."

"Yes! Yes!" the others chanted.

"...or..." the boy said. "...I could...no, it wouldn't work."

"What would? What would?" the boys continued to chant.

"Do you know why I'm the leader, Kurotsuchi?" the boy's breathed.

"Because you're big and strong and the other boys respect you?" Mayuri cried. His head hurt from being held up by

his hair.

"No!" the leader yelled. "Because _I _have the biggest soul energy!"

Young Mayuri had tears running down his face. "Please don't," he whispered.

The boy gathered some soul energy and shot it at Young Mayuri. It would have missed, but Young Mayuri was so

close there was no avoiding it. He screamed as it crashed into him and he was pushed back into the wall so forcibly

he crashed through it.

Young Mayuri shakily stood up.

"I was weak then," Mayuri's voice said. "But I had been practicing conjuring my soul energy. And I was so angry. I

went through this torture _every day_."

The boys laughed and jeered at Young Mayuri. In his eyes, though, was a look of pure hate. He conjured a ball of

soul energy, bigger than the bullies' leader, and released it.

BAAAAAM!

The bullies were caught by surprised, and were greatly injured.

"HOW DARE YOU!" the leader shouted angrily. He had blood trickling down his forehead, but he stood up and

started to run towards Young Mayuri.

Young Mayuri didn't think twice. He ran as fast as his scrawny legs could carry him.

He was a good couple of yards ahead of the bay when he tripped on a large stone.

"Gotcha!" the boy said, grabbing Mayuri's hair again. He pulled a knife out of his kimono and smiled. "You're going to

pay for that."

Young Mayuri's screams were to much for Orihime to bear. She closed her eyes and started softly crying. Uryu

awkwardly took her hand and gave it a squeeze. She smiled at him through her tears.

Finally, the work on Young Mayuri's ear was done. He sobbed as it dropped to the ground, covered in blood. The

older boy threw him to the ground.

"Now don't come back here again or I'll take your other one!" he yelled. Mayuri stood up and scrambled away,

crying.

Young Mayuri ran all the way back to his house. His mother, a woman with blue hair in a tight ponytail, stood in

front of it, waiting for him. He ran into her arms and whimpered.

"Mayuri! What is the meaning of this? Where are the goods you were supposed to buy?" she scolded. Young Mayuri

pulled away from her and looked at her, sniffing.

"Mayuri...?" his mother said looking from his blood soaked hair to his ear...or where his ear would be.

"DAISUKE!" his mother screamed. Young Mayuri fainted, and the screen went black.

* * *

"Oh my goodness," Rukia said in a hushed voice.

"Who knew he went through so much when he was young?" Rangiku cried.

"This is so sad, isn't it Captain Unohana?" Isane said, wiping a tear from her face. "Captain Unohana?"

Unohana was deep in thought. _It's him. This was his family. His family that I - _

"The movie's back on!" Kon said, interrupting her thoughts.

* * *

"M-moma?"

"Hush, Mayuri. You've lost so much blood already," his mother put a finger to his lips.

"Moma?"

"Yes, Mayuri?"

"Where's...where's Usagi and Papa?"

"They're outside, Mayuri," his mother said, trembling. "Papa took Usagi out there, but she had already seen you."

"Damn..." Young Mayuri said groggily. "I never wanted her to find out..."

His mother bit her lip. "Do you want to see her, Mayuri?"

"Yes, please."

Mayuri's mother sighed. "Usagi? Mayuri would like to see you!"

"Nemu, do you think that's the best idea?"

_N-nemu? _Byakuya thought. _The name of his mother and his daughter...strange..._

"Daisuke, he wants to see his sister!" his mother called to Mayuri's father.

Usagi came running in.

"Oh, Mayu!" she sobbed. "I thought you were gonna die!"

"Usagi, I'm not gonna die. I'm much stronger than that!" Young Mayuri boasted, puffing out his small chest. "And

don't call me Mayu, that's a girl name!"

"Mayu...you're sure you're gonna be all right?" Usagi sniffed.

"Course I am!" Young Mayuri bragged. "This is just a scar of war! And I'm feeling much better. I could take down the

captains of the Gotei Thirteen!"

Usagi smiled. "Bet you couldn't."

"Well...maybe not the captains. But I'm sure I could take down the fifth seat!" Young Mayuri protested. "Stop

smiling!"

"Ah, Mayu, you just don't smile enough!" Usagi laughed. "Look, you just take one side of your mouth and lift it up

then do the other side and voila!"

She pulled Young Mayuri's cheeks so that he had to smile.

"Usagi!" Young Mayuri said, giggling. "Stop it!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Usagi laughed. "You're smiling on your own!"

"Mayuri?"

Young Mayuri and his sister turned to see a man with purple hair like Usagi's walk into the room.

"Papa!" Usagi squealed and hugged the man.

"Oof! So, my little man, how are you feeling?" Mayuri's father ruffled his hair. "Squeeze in a little sword practice?"

"Totally!" Young Mayuri jumped out the bed and then stumbled backward, light headed. "Let's go!"

"Daisuke..." Mayuri's mother warned.

"C'mon, Nemu, let the boy have a little fun!" his father laughed.

"Fine," Mayuri's mother softened a little. "Just be careful."

"Thank you Momma!" Young Mayuri hugged his mother. "I will! See you guys in the morning! 'Night, Usagi!"

"Have fun!" she said as Young Mayuri and his father walked out of the house.

"Alright," Mayuri's father said as they reached a field close to their house. "Here you go. Today we're learning a

move which I call 'Defensive manuvers so you won't get beaten to a bloody pulp'."

"Yay!" Young Mayuri squealed.

After a couple hours, Mayuri had fully mastered the move. It involved blocking the other person's sword, disarming

him, then hitting him around the legs.

"Remeber, Mayuri," his father smiled. "A true warrior needs not to kill."

Suddenly, a loud scream echoed from the direction where their house was. Mayuri's father whirled around.

"Nemu!" he yelled. Another scream answered his call.

"I'm coming, Nemu! You and Usagi hold on!" his father started to run towards the house, then turned to Young

Mayuri, who looked extremely confused and scared. "Stay there, Mayuri. I'll help your mother and sister."

He ran toward the house.

Mayuri stood there for half a second before bolting after his father.

* * *

**Don't get to attached to Mayuri's family. BTW, the next chapter contains HUGE spoilers for Unohana's past (and they're actually true).**

**I'm gonna cry when I write the next chapter. Thanks for all the supportive reviews so far, guys! Also, the move 'Defensive manuvers so you won't get beaten to a bloody pulp' is going to come back.**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	12. Ch 11: Mayuri's past (Part Two)

**Okay, as usual, thank you for all the great reviews! But I also want to thank **Mr. Havik **and **Glockenspiel**. **Mr. Havik **wrote the fanfic **Poison**, and **Glockenspiel **wrote **The Twelve tasks of Mayuri Kurotsuchi**, if you didn't know. Both really inspired me to write this. You should check out both their fanfics if you have the time.**

**And, of course, I will freak out (in a good way) if either of them reviews me.**

**Not that you guys aren't AWESOME! You have my eternal thanks for reviewing a sucker like me.**

**This has spoilers for Unhana's past. Just to warn you. And they are TRUE, unlike the mostly made-up past of Mayuri.**

**Enjoy! Of course, this is the chapter that made me cry...**

* * *

"MOMMA! PAPA! USAGI!"

Young Mayuri ran towards his little house where he heard screams coming from.

"MOMMA!" he yelled again. "PAPA! USAGI!"

He stopped in front of his home, hesitating.

"I was afraid to see what had happend," Mayuri's voice cracked. "And I was right to be afraid_."_

Young Mayuri flung open the door. He gasped.

His family was laid out on the floor, dead. His mother had a slit throat and was stabbed in the stomach

multiple times. His father had his arms cut off, and a huge cut on his head. And Usagi...

"NOOOOO!" Mayuri cried, picking up Usagi's mutilated body. The killer had scatched up her beautiful

face, and she was cut all over her body.

Mayuri sobbed, not noticing the dark figure standing in the shadows, holding a bloody sword. The killer

stepped into the light.

Almost everyone in the room watching Mayuri's past gasped.

"Hello, child," said Unohana.

* * *

A hubbub broke out.

_"You_?!" Ichigo gasped. "_You _killed that wierdo's family?"

Unohana nodded, tears coming to her eyes.

"G-get away from me!" Hitsugaya stammered, climbing up Kenpachi to sit on his shoulder like Yachiru

did. Kenpachi pushed him up.

"Ah, man up!" he groaned.

"You don't seem very taken aback by the news," Uryu noted.

"'Course not. I already knew, dumbass," Kenpachi rolled his eyes. "Unohana was the first Kenpachi.

AND I once fought her."

"You lost," Unohana said, her voice tight. "But you still scarred me for life...or death." Unohana took out

her braid.

Everyone gasped, except for Kenpachi (who was cleaning his nails) and Urahara (who had somehow

fallen asleep).

They all stared at Unohana's giant scar on her lower neck/upper torso.

Kon did not care. He wanted to watch the movie. He did not care if the pretty lady had killed Mayuri's parents.

The info stated above settled in among the captains. Kon did not care.

"I WANNA SEE THE MOVIE," he whined.

Everyone quieted down.

* * *

"-Yachiru Unohana," Evil Unohana leered at Young Mayuri. He cried silently.

"Y-you monster," he choked out. "You killed my family."

"How observant," Evil Unohana said as she licked some of the blood off her sword.

"Someone will stop you," Young Mayuri said, sounding if he was trying to convince himself of that. "The Gotei

Thirteen, or...someone..."

Unohana laughed cruelly. "The Gotei Thirteen," she hissed. "Thirteen Squads, yes. Thirteen captains? Not as much.

There's no captain for Squad Four, nor Squad Eleven. And that's just the beginning!"

"They are all ameatur. There are not enough captains." she counted off on her fingers. "And there are no good

healers to patch up the wounds I inflict on them. And your family?"

Evil Unohana kicked Mayuri's mother's hand. "The Gotei Thirteen don't care about anyone outside the Seireitei.

Except for criminals, of course," she grinned. "Now, I don't think I'll kill you. You will die in a worse way as an orphan

on the streets, won't you, Boy With One Ear?"

Young Mayuri touched his earhole protectively.

"Good-bye, Boy With One Ear," Unohana walked through the doorway, into the night. "We will not meet again."

"I'll kill you!" Young Mayuri yelled after her. "I'll become a captain...I'll kill you! You'll pay for this!"

With that, Young Mayuri fell down on the ground and cried.

* * *

Everyone was speechless.

Rangiku and Shuhei scooted away from Unohana, who they were sitting next to.

* * *

"I ran away from my home as soon as I buried my parents and Usagi," Mayuri's voice said. "I got the same

treatment at the market. They didn't care what I had gone through. People die all the time."

The screen showed the boys that cut off Mayuri's first ear doing the same to the second.

"I never got bigger, as they say. I grew vertically, but I was always skin and bones."

The screen showed a Mayuri that looked about Hitsugaya's age scavenging for food.

"But I found friends. That was a surprise, since I had been alone for so long."

Now a 15-year old looking* Mayuri was digging through the trash. He picked up a rotten apple core and sighed.

Suddenly, a group of boys turned the corner where Teen Mayuri was fishing for food. He yelped.

"Please don't hurt me!" he said, covering his head and rolling into a ball on the ground.

"Whoa, man, why'd we ever hurt you?" said one of the boys. He held out a hand. "You okay?"

Mayuri eyed the friendly gesture. "Who are you?"

"Dude, you're voice is like a girls!" one of the boys in the back piped up. The boy who had tried to help up Teen

Mayuri glared at him.

"Kazuo!" he complained. "Is that anyway to leave a good impression on our friend here?"

"I'm not your friend," Teen Mayuri said briskly, standing up and dusting himself off. "So leave me alone."

"C'mon, man, don't be like that!" the boy said. "We're all friends here!" He turned to his troupe of teenagers. "See,

there's Akihiro, no, HIM...come to the front, Akihiro! See, look at that blond hair, you can see it from a mile

away...and there's Ryoichi, he's pretty quiet, you've already seen, well, _heard _Kazuo..."

And so on.

Teen Mayuri looked more than a little overwhelmed as he met the other members of the toupe, which included

Noboru (a boy who had a permanent scowl on his face) and Yu(who was jumpy but seemed alright).

"And I'm Takeshi!" the boy said proudly. "So, what's your name?"

"It's...it's Mayu - " Teen Mayuri was cut off by Kazuo. "That's a girl's name!"

" -ri!" Teen Mayuri snapped. "MayuRI! Kurotsuchi!"

"Nice name!" Takeshi grinned. "D'you wanna join our band?"

Teen Mayuri blinked. "W-what?"

"He said, do you want to join our band?!" Noboru scowled.

"Well...I don't have any musical talent..." Teen Mayuri muttered.

"How would you know? Have you ever tried?" Yu bounced up and down.

"No..." Teen Mayuri confessed. "My family used to say that if we saved up enough money, I might go to the Soul

Reaper Acadamy..."

"Your family is still alive?" Ryoichi asked.

There was a silence.

"I thought so," Takeshi shook his head. "Dead, just like everyone else. And Soul Reapers? I don't know about

that..."

"I heard they made a crimminal a captain!" Akihiro whispered. "Retsu Unohana, they call her."

Teen Mayuri looked like he had been electrocuted.

"Unohana?" he croaked.

"Mm-hmm," Akihiro said nervously. "They say she changed to that from Yachiru Unohana."

Teen Mayuri gasped.

"Well!" Takeshi said, clapping his hands together. "It's been nice seeing you, Mayu, but we should go. Songs to

write..."

"Singer to be found..." hinted Kazuo.

"We're very busy. See you!" Takeshi waved Teen Mayuri good bye and started to walk away, along with the rest of

the group. Teen Mayuri froze, then stepped forward.

"Wait!" he shouted. Takeshi turned around. "I'll...I'll join your band."

Takeshi smiled. "Mayu's joining us, boys!" he shouted to the rest.

"On one condition," Teen Mayuri quickly corrected himself. "I will choose the band name."

"Sure," Takeshi beamed. "We haven't figured that out yet!"

"We will be called the IBA Nerds."

* * *

***Mayuri only LOOKED 15, he was like 1500 in actuallity.**

**First, let me explain about the IBA Nerds. My good friend **Moon the Eevee **told me the true definition of the word nerd: Intellectual Bad Ass.**

**Hence, the IBA Nerds. Thank you, **Moon the Eevee**.**

**There will definetely be a Part Three and Four. Again, Mayuri's past is looooooooong.**

**I couldn't believe it either when I found out Unohana was the Seireitei's number one crimminal. Let me tell you the facts and the fan made.**

**Fact: She fought Kenpachi.**

**Fact: She was a crimminal.**

**Fact: She has a scar where I said it was.**

**Fact: She was the first Kenpachi.**

**Fact: She killed people.**

**Fan made: She killed Mayuri's parents.**

**Good to get that straightened out! I cried when I thought of this, and I know you guys think me full of humor (or bad humor) and this let me express my darker side.**

**Also, happy birthday to Mayuri (because I don't know if I'll get chapter twelve up by March 30th) **

**Please review, the story gets happier, and up to this point Mayuri's past is made-up. I shall tell you when it becomes true. Criticism is appreciated.**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77 **


	13. Ch 12: Mayuri's Past (Part Three)

**La la la...my friend recently asked who my favorite Bleach character was. I told them it was Captain Kurotsuchi. They did not know who that was, so I told them my favorite character was Captain Clown Face.**

**Now, the disclaimers: I do not own Bleach or the song I want to Change the World.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"IBA Nerds?" Takeshi asked, dumbfounded.

"Yeah!" Teen Mayuri said enthusiastically. "It stands for Intellectual Bad Asses."

Kazuo slapped Teen Mayuri on the back. "I LOVE THIS GUY!"

Yu laughed loudly, and Akihiro chuckled. Even Noboru cracked a smile. Ryoichi blinked, then giggled.

"I like this guy, Takeshi!" he smiled.

"I hope that he can actually sing!" Yu said loudly, then clapped a hand over his mouth. Teen Mayuri looked at him.

"Well, I told you I've never tried..." he said.

"Can you read music?" Kazuo interupted.

"Yeah..." Teen Mayuri said, confused. "My...my mom used to play the piano and sing."

"Sing this!" Kazuo took something from his pocket and gave it to Teen Mayuri.

"Kazuo..." Takeshi warned.

"Shut up! Just shut up, Takeshi!" Kazuo growled. "I want to know if he's worth it." His eyes traveled to Teen Mayuri,

whose legs were shaking. "Go ahead, _Mayu_. See if you've got what it takes."

"Umm...okay." Teen Mayuri cleared his throat.

"Mary had a little lamb - "

"What?" Kazuo grabbed the paper back, scanned it, then shoved it back in his pocket. He took out a different peice

of paper from the other pocket. "Here. Sing this!"

Teen Mayuri tilted his head ninety degrees to the right, a familiar movement that the ROMK club knew well.

"Sure."

* * *

The ROMK club was in awe as Teen Mayuri sang the song.

"That...was...BEAUTIFUL!" cried Byakuya.

"Aw, shut up," groaned Kenpachi.

"Kenpachi Zaraki," Unohana had the faintest of smiles on her lips. "Oh, what a hypocrite you are. Are those tears I

spot?"

"SHUDDUP!" Kenpachi roared, wiping the tears from his eyes. "HAVEN'T ANY OF YOU EVER BEEN MANLY ENOUGH TO

SWEAT THROUGH YOUR EYEBALLS?!"

"YOU SHUDDUP!" yelled Ichigo. "I WANNA HEAR THE PRETTY SONG!"

* * *

Teen Mayuri finally finished.

"How was that?" he asked.

"Awesome! Best time I've ever heard 'I want to Change the World'!" said a voice from above. Teen Mayuri looked

up just to get a face full of sandal.

"Hi! I'm Mei!" the girl said brightly. "You didn't mind me using your face as a landing pillow, did you?"

"No...prob..." Teen Mayuri weezed.

"Great!" said Mei. She flipped her green ponytail over her shoulder as she turned to the other boys. "So who's the

new guy?"

"The new guy," Takeshi said through gritted teeth. "Is our new singer. Well, was our new singer. Whether he'll ever

recover from your feet is beyond me."

"A SINGER?!" Mei squealed. "Yay! Finally!" She bent down and held out a hand to Teen Mayuri. "Sorry 'bout that.

What's your name?"

"Mayuri," he said, knocking aside her helpful hand. He looked at the others and asked, "Who's she?"

"I told you, I'm Mei!" Mei said, annoyed. "Do you even bother to listen when people talk?"

Teen Mayuri stood up and brushed himself off. He looked at Mei, whose was wearing a short, light blue kimono with

a dark purple sash.

"Are you listening to me?!" Mei angrily said. She grabbed at where Teen Mayuri's ear should be. "Hel - OHMYGOSH!"

Mei backed up quickly from Teen Mayuri. "Where the hell is your ear?"

"What?" Kazuo said. He rushed up to Teen Mayuri and lifted up some hair. "HOLY SHIT! TAKESHI, THIS GUY DOESN'T

HAVE EARS!"

"Hey! Don't push me!" Teen Mayuri protested, shoved toward Takeshi.

"Takeshi, this guy isn't normal," Yu said nervously. "Look what he has instead of ears."

Takeshi peered at the...things in Teen Mayuri's earholes. "Doesn't matter. We need a singer, and this guy can sing.

Really well." He glanced at Teen Mayuri, who had fear in his eyes. "You can hear, right?"

"Y-yes."

"He's staying with us."

Takeshi dropped Teen Mayuri and started to walk away. Akhiro looked at Teen Mayuri with disgust. "What do those

things even do?"

"Oh, they strengthen my hearing, so I don't just hear the sounds you guys hear, I hear the softest pair

of...mice...feet..." Teen Mayuri trailed off as the group started to walk away. "Where are you going?"

"Doesn't matter. does it? Just follow us," Mei said irritably.

Noboru turned around, and his expression softened. He walked back towards Teen Mayuri, who stood up quickly.

"Don't mind them. These guys have endured a lot over the years," Noboru said kindly. "Nothing as severe as

getting our ears cut off...but still, pretty severe stuff. Now come on. It's time to go home."

Noboru started to walk away.

"Home?" Teen Mayuri asked. He then broke into a smile. "Home."

Teen Mayuri ran after his newly found friends.

* * *

**This chapter is shorter than usual, but I thought it would make more sense to break it up this way. DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC. **

**To listen to 'I want to Change the World', go on YouTube and type in the song name. It, if you didn't know, is the very first theme song of Inuyasha. ********Mayuri sang it without the musical instruments and all alone, but you should get the tune.**

**Sorry for not posting for awhile. I've been watching One Piece. And doing homework.**

**Please review!**

**As inspiration strikes. ~spottedmask77**


	14. Ch 13: Mayuri's Past (Part Four)

**GAH! Sorry for not updating sooner, I encountered a horrible force known as...WRITERS BLOCK!**

**Mayuri: Quite the drama queen, aren't we.**

**Me:Mayuri? WTF? Aren't you supposed to be in the fanfic?**

**Mayuri(rolls eyes): Please. I escaped, and just in time, too. You're about to reveal my deepest secrets!**

**Me:But...none of this ever happend.**

**Mayuri:...**

**Me: Um, okay! Apparently I'm going to have THIS(glares at Mayuri) commenting in the Author's Note from now on. But, I guess I better start rolling out the disclaimers. I don't own Bleach, I don't - **

**Mayuri: What is Bleach? Do you refer to the washing material?**

**Me: (Facepalms) Anyway, I don't own the song 'Asterisk', the song 'Believe', the song 'Change the World', or the song 'I am'. **

**Enjoy!**

**Mayuri: People should not enjoy reading about my past tragedy.**

**Me: SHUT. UP.**

* * *

_Crunch._

"What happend? Who broke whose bone? WAS IT YOU, KENPACHI?!" Unohana yelled, jumping out of her seat at the sudden noise.

"Relax," Kenpachi said, rolling his eyes. "I just got some popcorn and cheese curls for myself."

Unohana glared at him.

"What? I was hungry!" Kenpachi said, crunching down on another cheese curl (which almost been stolen by Urahara, who woke up at the word "cheese curls").

"Are there enough for everybody?" Unohana said disapprovingly.

"What are you, a teacher?" Kenpachi asked, annoyed.

"KENPACHI..." Unohana growled.

"GAH! Don't worry! I'll make enough popcorn and buy enough cheese curls so there'll be enough for everyone! Fill me in when I get back, Unohana!" Kenpachi yelped as he ran out of the room.

Unohana sighed, and returned her attention to the screen.

* * *

"Aaaaahhh..."Teen Mayuri yawned. "Good morning, everybod-"

He stopped. Teen Mayuri hopped off the cot he was in and started fishing around in drawer of a nearby desk. As he was searching, Mei came up behind him in a clean, blue kimono.

"Hey, Mayuri, I was cleaning my clothes when I remebered about you. I'd like to apologize for yesterday. It's just that I'm not used to people not having ears, and-" Mei began, touching Teen Mayuri's shoulder.

"EEP!" he yelped, jumping and hitting his head on the low ceiling. He grabbed what he had been looking for and shoved them in his ears. He rubbed his head and turned around, fuming. "Why would you _do _that?"

Mei blinked. "Well, fine! Be that way, you FREAK!" she yelled, getting angry. "I guess I'll just go wake up Kazuo, then!" She turned around and huffed away.

Teen Mayuri turned his head ninety degrees to the right, a sure sign that he was confused(or mocking someone. Or just showing off. But in this case he was confused).

"What's her problem?" he muttered, sitting down at his desk. He was fiddling with a few pieces of metal when a voice said, "Don't blame Mei."

Teen Mayuri glanced in the direction that the voice had come from. It was Noboru.

"Why shouldn't I?" Teen Mayuri asked, bending over the metal again. "She was the one that used her own larynx to speak angrily and insult me."

Noboru laughed softly. "What are you, a scientist?"

"What? Is it so wrong to have a dream?!" Teen Mayuri stood up. "I want to discover what the human body can survive. I want someone cut to pieces to be able to live!"

"Dude, that wasn't an insult," Noboru said, spreading out his hands. "I mean, my vote is for world peace. I believe that people can change. And it's true!"

Noboru walked around so he could see Teen Mayuri's face. "There was a terrible woman who killed for pleasure and murdered without guilt. She had never let anyone who crossed her path survive. The only one who ever survived fighting with her was a young man named Zaraki."

"You know where she is now? She's the captain of Squad Four, and was once the captain of Squad Eleven! She's a DOCTOR!" Noboru grinned. "If someone as terrible as Captain Unohana can change, then everyone must be good at heart."

Teen Mayuri was silent, apparently lost in thought.

"But, as I was saying, don't blame Mei for being annoyed. _She _wanted to be the singer but Takeshi told her that it would be weird if an otherwise boy band had a female singer." Noboru explained. "You replaced her, dude."

Teen Mayuri pointed to himself and raised an eyebrow. Noboru laughed.

"Well, we better catch up with the rest. Once Kazuo and Yu get to the food, well...you might have to go back to digging through the trash!"

Noboru and Teen Mayuri started walking toward the kitchen.

"-insane?!" Mei was saying. "Come ON, Takeshi, he was putting these weird cork things in his ears so he could hear!"

Teen Mayuri stopped. Noboru looked at him.

"...you okay?" he asked.

"They're talking about me," Teen Mayuri said angrily. He stormed forward and burst through the kitchen door.

"Ahh, here he is!" Takeshi said, smiling broadly. "Mayuri, I'd like to apologize for everyone's behavior yesterday. You're all sorry, right guys?"

"We're sorry, Mayu," everybody except Mei rumbled.

"My name is MAYURI," the blue haired boy sighed. Takeshi looked at Mei.

"Well...?" he raised an eyebrow.

"What?!" Mei scoffed. "I don't have to apologize to that _freak_! I bet he can't even really sing!"

"Um, acutally..." Teen Mayuri began, but was cut off by Noboru.

"Mei, what's your problem? Leave the guy alone," Noboru scowled. "I know you're upset, but still!"

"I'm not upset over not being the singer!" Mei screamed. "I'm worried about my little sister, you assholes!"

There was silence.

"You have a little sister?" Teen Mayuri asked.

"Hell yeah, you bastard," Mei sniffed, crying. "And she's all alone, except for my dad!"

"Mei, calm down," Takeshi massaged his forhead. "Listen, Mayu - can I call you Mayu?"

"No."

"Alright, Mayu, we've written some songs," Takeshi pushed a few sheets of music across the table to the infuriated Teen Mayuri. "Take a look."

The blue-haired boy scanned the title quickly.

"'Believe'...'I am'...'Asterisk'...'Change the World'. Hey, that's the one I sang!" Teen Mayuri reviewed the songs. "Why don't we try out 'Asterisk'?"

His stomach rumbled.

"After we eat."

* * *

"That was the best meal I"ve had in ages!" Teen Mayuri said. Kazuo laughed. "Ya haven't been eating much, then."

"Nope," Teen Mayuri answered. "So, as I was saying, let's try out the song 'Asterisk'."

"We can't," Mei sighed, getting over the trauma of her little sister. She glared at Takeshi. "Mr. Song writer over there needs these weird instruments that don't even exist."

"Well, EXCUSE me!" Takeshi replied hotly. "I'm just using my talents!"

"You want a damn electric guitar, whatever that is!" Mei shouted back.

"Mei, Takeshi, let's just CALM DOWN," advised Akihiro. "Mayu here is gonna be a scientist, right Mayu? You can invent this electric guitar?"

"Firts of all, it's MAYURI," Teen Mayuri sighed. "It isn't that hard of a name. Secondly, scientists don't invent. They DISCOVER. The only situation that I can possibly think of where a scientist would invent was if they were inventing a vaccine for a deadly illness."

"So you will do it?" Takeshi said hopefully, not absorbing any of Teen Mayuri's small speech. He gave him puppy eyes.

Teen Mayuri sighed again, looking at the expectant faces of the hope-to-be band.

"Of course I will."

* * *

**Me: Oh, boy. I'm starting to regret even starting this section on Mayuri's past. What is this - Part 4?**

**Mayuri: How did you even discover this?**

**Me: None of your damn business.**

**Mayuri: Actually, it kind of is.**

**Me: Whatever. Please review!**


	15. Ch 14: The Children Need Sleep

**Sorry for not updating sooner! I started a new fanfic: Bleach in Wonderland, so I've been a little occupied. Again, sorry.**

**Mayuri: "Bleach in Wonderland"? I've already asked you, what is Bleach? And is "Bleach in Wonderland"supposed to be a mockery of Lewis Carrol?**

**Me: Ay carumba...Speaking of which, I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Unohana checked her watch. It was getting late, and the young ones (Ichigo, Uryu, Chad, Orihime, and Yachiru) had to be home by seven o'clock sharp. She nudged Urahara.

"Wazzat?" he mumbled.

"Kisuke, is there a pause button on this?" Unohana whispered, gesturing at the machine hooked up to Captain Kurotsuchi.

"Oh, yeah! Let me show you...wait, why?" he asked, confused.

"It's nearly seven," explained Unohana in a motherly tone. Urahara sighed.

"Retsu, Ichigo and his friends are sixteen. They can - " he was cut off by a warm, buttery, oh-so-kind smile from Unohana. Urahara shuddered.

"Okay, okay. Just don't hurt me," he said. Then, calling out to everyone, "Okay guys, it's time to pause it. We need to go to bed."

Complaints rose from everyone. Soi Fon swore.

"But it was just getting good," Ikaku whined.

"The children must be in bed by seven thirty," Unohana said firmly. Ichigo, Chad, and Uryu's faces lit up like search beacons, but Orihime ran over to Unhoana and gave her a hug.

"Will you be my Mommy?" she squealed.

_Was that child even paying the slightest bit of attention to who Unohana once was? Or is she just brave? _Byakuya mused. He turned to Gin, who was sitting beside him. "What do you think of that?"

"Of what? For the last time, Byakuya, I can't read minds!" Gin sighed.

_Damn. I thought I might have been able to trick him. _Byakuya cursed in his head.

Urahara sleepily walked up to where Mayuri was hooked up to the machine. Yumichika offered him his pink frying pan, but Urahara declined.

"That man is either the bravest or most stupid man I've ever seen," muttered Nanao.

"Do you like brave men, sweet Nanao? I'm extremely brave, you know," Shunsui bragged. Nanao smacked him.

Urahara finally was able to pause the machine. The picture projected stopped moving.

"Can someone please tell me what happened?" Tosen was begging. "Please?"

"Hey, Blindy, how are you still alive?" Yachiru chattered, making Tosen jump.(No matter what he says about being able to sense anyone around him, Yachiru somehow always sneaks up on him.) "I mean, 'cause I saw Captain Wierd Hair blast you into a million tiny pieces."

Aizen looked extremely uncomfortable. Though from the killing fact, the nickname, or from Momo still hanging onto his leg, no one was sure.

"Yes, I was wondering about that myself!" Captain Komamura exclaimed. "I swear I saw him kill Gin as well!"

Rangiku clutched Gin protectively.

"Well," Gin choked. "I'm pretty sure Unohana and Yamamoto died as well, and they're still here. So I'm thinking that a greater force brought us back for some sort of purpose."

"THANK YOU, GREATER FORCE!" Rangiku yelled to the ceiling.

"Well, then," Unohana had a geniune smile on her face. "Urahara, I presume Orihime's house is within walking distance?"

"Yep," he said sleepily, walking away from the still knocked out Mayuri. "Hey, what are we going to do with _him_?"

"Hmmm," Unohana said thoughtfully. "I guess you can just put him in the storage area."

Yumichika walked up and gave Urahara his frying pan. "Be brave, my dear, ugly man."

"Ugly?!"

"Let's go, then!" Aizen said. As everyone trooped out of Urahara's shop, Unohana said, "We'll be back in a day or so!"

"See you then!" Ururu said quietly. But nobody heard her, as Yachiru had uttered a loud shriek.

"KENNY!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. Unohana stepped to the front of the group to see a knocked out Kenpachi lying on the floor, still grasping his Cheese Poofs.

"Oh my," she murmured.

"Who would attack Kenpachi and win?" wondered Orihime.

"I think he looks better like this," Ichigo said.

"Shut up!" Unohana raised her voice, and the Shinigami and humans alike shut up. "Someone will have to carry him back to Orihime's house. Saijin?"

"Yes, ma'am," the wolf-headed captain mumbled. Hoisting the captain of the eleventh division onto his shoulders, Saijin started out the door. Soon, the only people left in Urahara's shop were those who worked there. But someone univited lurked outside...

* * *

Nemu Kurotsuchi was a still and as quiet as a rock as the many people passed her. She could not believe what she has just seen.

"Mayuri-sama.." she murmered quietly to herself. She wasn't quite sure whether she should rescue him or leave him be, as she wanted to see the rest of his past.

She ducked even farther into the shadows as Tosen strayed off the path. That reminded er when Kenpachi had come out and almost revealed her. But she had taken care of him.

Nemu sighed. She silently jumped onto the roof of Urahara's shop and hopped along the roofs.

She would take care of everything in the morning.

* * *

**Yeah, this was EXTREMELY late. And I really don't like the vibe of it...I just feel that it isn't my best. And you guys deserve the best, all you who favorited and reviewed and followed it and viewed it!**

**As a side note, I have over five thousand views! Thank you guys so much!**

***gives giant hug***

**Mayuri: You can't hug them. You're typing on a computer.**

**Me: Do you have no creativity? Or soul?**

**Mayuri: Pff. Child, I CREATED creativity.**

**Me: Grr...*sigh* Please review! Oh, and I also got a deviantART account. My username in Spottedmask77(just like here!). **

**As inspiration strikes. ~Spottedmask77**


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